Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

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Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

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Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

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Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

 

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an

attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

 

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart. "It was easy," explained the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

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Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?

They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

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How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say "Fees!"

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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetary.

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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: 

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." 

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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